How The Phyrexians Saved Christmas

By Coach

Once upon a time in the land of Dominaria, a jolly, old man name St. Nikk lived in the far reaches of the North Pole. This wondrous place was many, many miles away from lands such as Shiv, Jamuura, and Benalia where only the most devoted and loyal creatures reisded there. St. Nikk, also known by the little ones as Santa Claus, was a happy elderly man who loved making not just toys for children, but other magical and useful things for the older Dominarians as well.  This was a time just before the Thran-Phyrexian War where Yawgmoth had just moved graciously to the plane of Phyrexia with a muchly-overjoyed group of his extravagant followers. This was also a time before the brothers Urza and Mishra would make their very positive and fantastic mark on the planet itself that would change Dominaria for the better......I’m 60% sure that’s how those events played out.....maybe I need to recheck my sources just to be sure....anyway back to Santa!

          Many times, Santa Claus has politely taken one day of the year of every year to spreading Christmas cheer. However, The Dominarians, most specifically the people of the Thran Empire, have started to see Santa more and more as irrelevant as their civilization had advanced with their powerstone technology. Children were getting way fancier presents and gizmos than anything Santa could have come up with. Hell, some of the $&%* these hooligans were getting were shiny rocks that fired frickin’ laser beams!  And the adults! The adults were getting gadgets that were excessively worse. Helicopter chairs that would fly around their cities putting other citizens in danger, high-powered projection machines that would show off all the user was recording and posting on their digital info pages, just to be annoying. They even had advanced enough to make inventions that would take pure, sweet alcohol and mix it with slushed water making a liquid formula never seen before. They called it.......a Margarita Machine, and these people were getting absolutely hammered from these amazing…..I mean.....vile and disgusting drinks. With these events taking place, the Thran, especially the upper class citizens, saw Santa Claus as nothing more than an inventor of making useless crap!

            With this in mind, Santa became very sad and pondered what to do if nobody wanted him anymore. He knew the past few years, Christmas was rough, but not ever this bad of a season. He thought that if nobody wanted his presence, he would not know what to do with himself. He would just be......done......forever.....and pass into the snows of time. He didn’t not want that to happen.  He did not want to be forgotten ever, but he might have no choice at this point.

             It was Christmas Eve on Dominaria, but Santa, even with a stockpile of great toys and contraptions that he made in the last 364 days, didn’t want to make the trip anymore. He could sense that nobody on the plane wanted him anymore. It would have been a heart breaking evening for Santa, but an unusually strange event happened that night. A young man with black scars on his face, arms, and legs stormed into Santa’s workshop crying for help, with black oil travelling down his cheeks as he was doing so. Santa, along with some of his prestigious Llanowar Elves, quickly rushed to assist the young lad. Santa began to converse with the young man, which soon led to the discovery that this person was from the fresh, new plane of Phyrexia, established by the very popular and extraordinary Halcyte, Yawgmoth.

             Santa continued to talk with the young man on what was wrong. The young man replied that everyone on the new plane of Phyrexia was excited to move out of Halcyon, the Thran city-states, and other parts of Dominaria, but they forgot one of the most important traditions of all their lives. Christmas. When the newly established Phyrexian citizens all realized this, they tried frantically to figure out how to have Christmas, with Santa included. Which led to this very moment and would lead to one of the biggest choices Santa would have to make. The man dropped to his knees to beg Santa, in front of his elves, to have him come and give presents to all of the newfound Phyrexians, after, of course, he made the rounds throughout the plane of Dominaria, not knowing that the young man did not know the Dominarians did not want Santa any longer.

        Santa, now with a newly rekindled motivation after hearing the young man from Phyrexia, told him that he would get them taken care of as soon as possible. He then bellowed throughout the workshop to occupy the stations and get the reindeer ready to launch. Elves and other assistants that Santa employed mounted up to their designated and practiced areas in preparation for this much-awaited day. With a new goal in mind, Santa’s helpers were more determined than ever to make this the best Christmas ever.  Santa would then proceed to visit every new home around the plane of Phyrexia, giving away plentiful presents to all who were there.  He made his very last stop at none other than the leader of the new plane of Phyrexia, Yawgmoth. He was so astonished at the fantastic work Santa was able to accomplish that he offered him a permanent job as the head director of Research, Development, and Manufacturing. With this job that the Phyrexian leader extended to him, he would not only have the ability to create fantastic tools for all of the Phyrexians, but he would also be able to make personalized, yet suspiciously dangerous stuff for Yawgmoth such as  soul bombs, mechanical colossuses, and giant walking spiders, which would never, EVER be used for anything bad, EVER.

            Thinking about the move from Dominaria to Phyrexia along with what it would take to logistically achieve this, Santa didn’t hesitate and accepted Yawgmoth’s job offer. Santa would go on to establish the Christmas tradition on Phyrexia and would make all kind of wonderful marvels like giant, metallic sand crabs and flying airships that would carry and shoot out presents quickly from its solid metallic cannons, all in an effort to spread Christmas cheer for all to hear. He would also find a way to make sure that the Dominarians would never, EVER forget Santa like they did to him all that time ago.

              And that my dear children is how the Phyrexians helped Santa Claus save Christmas. They would all live happily ever after.  Three Days later, Yawgmoth would use many of Santa’s inventions to invade the capital of the Thran Empire, Halcyon, ensuring that Santa Claus would never be forgotten ever again. The End.

(Cue Thran Prologue)

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